Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Things That Stick In My Craw - Worst Christmas Gifts Ever

What goes through people's minds when they shop for Christmas presents? Or regift? Do some of them even *think* of who they are selecting a present for?

My worst present ever was from my last husband. It was our first Christmas together. I was excited as I opened a good sized box. Inside was a. . .toaster.

I looked up at him confused. He told me I'd been complaining that every time we get a toaster, it died on us, so he got an expensive European one. His mom took him aside later to tell him that unless a woman specifically asks for a practical present, never, EVER give them one.

The next Christmas I got two beautiful sweaters, some shirts and other "girly" things. He learned his lesson.

I asked some friends what their worst Christmas gifts were. They follow. Send me your worst Christmas gift - I really want to know what it was!

Kevin - I used to be really heavy. One year my wife bought a bunch of size medium shirts. Depressing.

PJ - It's got to be the fruit in the stocking. I would leave them in the stocking and find them rotten eventually.

Nancy - My worst would be back when I was a size 3, my Mom in law would get me XHUGE shirts/clothes. Good times!!

Joan - When I was very, very young my godfather used to give me underwear every single Xmas-the kind with days of week on it!!! Think that was his wife's doing. They had eight kids so it must have been important to her!!! Who knows?

Kathryn - Hubby had this eccentric great aunt who used to re-gift boxes of cherry cordials, which I don't particularly like. Actually had to eat one right there, thought I'd gag it back up.

Jennifer - I got a USED chapstick from my cousin the Avon lady. From the same chick came a hand painted sign that said "WELOME TO OUR HOME" for years all we ever said was "welome" instead of "welcome". C's are so over-rated anyway.

Shari - My parents always used to get me exercise stuff...not because I asked but because they wanted me skinny...so much for unconditional acceptance. :(

Laurie - Oh boy! It wasn't me, it was my friend. She played her video taped at Christmas that year. She said I wouldn't believe it and she was right. Her husband bought her a sponge mop. (???) Then, he handed her another package she thought was the "real" present. Excited to get it open - only to see it was .... REFILLS? I saw this with my own eyes. He thought it was a great present.

Britt - One of those weird 18 month calendars. "But there's still 6 good months on it!"

Gretchen - The year my brother gave me a tshirt and a coffee mug. I looked for a present for him for WEEKS, and I was totally pissed off. What made it even worse was when I told my mom how mad I was, she started to cry, because SHE gave him that LAME ASS idea of a Christmas present.

Cass - The xmas I spent with my ex-fiance and his father and step-mom was probably worst possible gifts ever. His mom and step-dad did great... I still have the spice rack she gave me, I still wear the sweater she bought me, etc. But his dad and step-mom? I got a cheap candle holder, an exacto knife, a few sample sized toiletries and... um.... I think that was it. It was like they went through the dollar store and grabbed a bunch of random things. What else should I have expected from a guy who gave me his step-mom's ring as an engagement ring, since she passed it on to him to try to create a family "heirloom"? Hint: it is not a family heirloom if you're a step-parent and the ring was something you got from an ex-boyfriend 15 years before. Oh, and it was totally not my type of ring either... gold with a diamond cluster (I like silver and a solitary diamond).

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Things That Stick In My Craw - Spoilers

I don't get a chance to watch every TV show on the night it airs. I usually DVR it to watch later. Or read a book when it comes out. Or see a movie the first weekend it's at the theaters. So why do some people insist on spoiling it for others?

If you are watching the finale of a TV show, do NOT post updates on Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, etc while you are watching. I got up this morning to find people posted the ending of a popular TV show that I usually watch, but tape to watch later. Geez, thanks for spoiling it for me.

If you go to see a movie the first night it's at the theater, don't post pertinent plots points or the ending. And don't call me to tell me either. Please. Let me get the chance to see it myself.

If I don't watch a TV show/series that you think is totally awesome, don't basically call me an idiot for not watching it. My taste in what I watch may differ from yours. I just may think YOU are the idiot.

If you get a book the first day it appears in stores, read it that day/night, don't tell me the ending. Don't post about it online. Just don't do it!

And movie studios, what the hell are you thinking by putting plot points in the previews/trailers? Can't you give us just a hint without spoiling it for us? Why do you think people don't go to the movies much anymore? While I'm on that subject, why the hell are tickets so expensive? And the popcorn, soda and candy are MORE than the tickets. WTF?

If you are going to post online, please put in big letters SPOILERS AHEAD, then leave some blank lines, then post what you want. Give the rest of us a chance to pass by your post so that we can enjoy that TV show, movie or book on our own.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Things That Stick In My Craw - Drive Thru Etiquette

I think the reason they call it a drive thru is because you're supposed to drive thru quickly and efficiently. When you go to a fast food place, bank, etc and it takes forever, then what's the purpose?

I asked some friends for their pet peeves about drive thrus and added my own:

My friend Deb: "When someone orders for the entire office, of course with special orders to make it take even extra long."

(I'll add this, if you are ordering for more than the number of people in your car, or if you have a van full of people, say up to 10, then park your vehicle and place the order inside. Don't piss the rest of us off)

Margaret hates people that serve at the window with dirty hands and hair.

My sister, Nancy, "Waiting forever for your order.....late for appt. then it comes finally and while rushing off....kids inform me, 'It's all burned!!! We can't eat this!!!' ARGH!!!"

Jennifer writes: "The fact that unless you drive a monster SUV, the service windows are WAY too high to be practical for people under 5'3"!" (or those smaller cars)

My friend Elizabeth has a long list: "You should be paying attention, moving ahead when the car in front of you moves ahead, not leaving a HUGE gap between you and the car in front of you so that the car behind you can't pull up to the speaker, and do not get out of your car to get something out of your trunk and hold up the line."

The things that stick in my craw? Not having your money ready when you get to the payment window. I always have mine ready when I get there to take less time.

Don't keep changing your mind and confusing the poor person taking your order. This only irritates those of us behind you and flusters the employees.

If the drive thru employee asks you to pull over because your order may take longer than expected, then pull over, dammit. Don't argue. There's a good reason they asked you to do this. Obey them.

Don't stay at the window to open your bag and check to make sure everything is there. Please pull up far enough so that I can get my order. If your order is wrong, then guess what? You have to park and go inside to take care of it. Sorry, Charlie!

If it's not on the menu, don't ask them if they have it.

If you're going to your bank drive thru, have your deposit/withdrawal slip and any checks already filled out and signed. And don't try to put rolled up coins through. You *know* better.

Again with the bank, if there is a problem, don't argue with the teller. Tell them you'll come inside to handle it. We really don't want to listen to you bitch and moan.

If there is a long line behind you and you know the employee at the window, forgo the small talk and tell them you'll talk to them another time. Please be polite to the rest of us. Or park your car and go inside to chat.

If you're an employee, don't leave the window open or mic on and bitch about me so that I can hear it. This actually happened to me at a Burger King once. I got to the window and politely asked if I could add a soda to my order. The man at the window huffed and puffed, turned around without remembering to close the window and called me a stupid bitch for not ordering the soda with the rest of my order. I was appalled. I wrote a lovely letter to the BK headquarters. I got a nice reply back, but I don't go to BK anymore unless it's the only place in town open (we live in a small town). And then I make my husband do the ordering.

Finally, it takes two seconds to smile, folks. The people behind that mic or window are working their butts off to get your order or bank account taken care of. If it's really busy and there's a long line and they forget something, don't take it out on them. Be nice, be polite, smile and you know what? You may get a little extra for being such a nice person. I've had this happen several times - extra fries or dessert from fast food and a lollipop from the bank. I love lollipops.

So, what sticks in your craw about drive thrus?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Things That Stick In My Craw - Grocery Shopping

If the express line has 10 items or less, make sure you have 10 items or less. No, five of the same item do NOT count as one item. Don't argue with me about it, either.

If the express line has 14 items or less and I have 14 and you have less than me, don't walk in front of me saying, "You don't mind, do you?" Because I DO mind and I will tell you get back in line behind me. It's a different story if I ask you if you want to go in front of me. Again, don't argue with me.

If I've forgotten my "green" bags at home and have to use the store's regular plastic or paper bags, don't give me a lecture on saving the world, etc. Just don't even think of doing it.

I don't wear an apron or a store employee shirt, so don't stop to ask me where something is. Unless you want to pay me for the answer.

I live here. I know most of the employees at my local stores. If I want to chat with them *while* they are ringing up my items, I will chat with them. Stop making impatient noises because you're an ass. If you're in that much of a hurry, go elsewhere to shop. We won't mind.

If you're using a cart and get to the end of the aisle, please pause and look both ways before exploding out of the aisle and barreling along. You may hurt someone. If it's me, I won't be happy about it.

If you do bump into me, do me the courtesy of saying, "Excuse me." Don't glare at me like it's my fault when it was quite obviously yours. I will say something to you. And it won't be nice.

If there's a senior citizen that needs help getting an item that's high on a shelf, is heavy, etc, why not lend a hand instead of rushing past them? I try to help when I can and you know what, it not only makes their day, it makes my day, too.

If the deli/bakery counter has a "take a number" system, take a damned number like the rest of us. Don't just walk up to the counter and give your order. We have been patiently waiting. And we *will* say something to you. You probably won't like it, either.

When you unload your groceries into your vehicle, please put the shopping cart in the cart corral or bring it back to the outside of the store. Don't leave it behind or beside someone else's car, or in the empty parking stop next to you just because you're a lazy dumbass. I don't care if it *is* snowing or raining or whatever. Have some courtesy for the rest of us. And yes, I *do* return the cart to its proper place.

If you are using the Redbox DVD vending machine and looking at what movies are currently available and can't decide and there are people behind you, step aside and let the rest of us do our business, then return to your browsing.

If I'm in a regular line with a full shopping cart and you have only a couple of items and are too impatient to wait in the express line because it has people patiently waiting there, don't cut in front of me. I will not be happy and I *will* say something. And you will not like it.

What's sticks in your craw about grocery shopping?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Things That Stick In My Craw - Hotels, Motels, etc

I travel a bit and have stayed in everything from small B&Bs to big resorts. Here are some of my beefs:

1. Please put on your web site whether you provide hair dryers and irons/ironing boards in the rooms. I usually have to end up calling the hotel, motel, whatever to find out. Then I can plan my packing and whether I have to bring my travel hair dryer and steamer for my clothes.

2. I need coffee! Most places provide at least a one cup coffee maker. What I hate is the prepackaged "condiments" - sugar, creamer, stirrer, napkin that the majority of places include. I wish these places would just provide these things separately. I use only creamer in my coffee and always feel guilty not using the rest of the pack. I love places that have the creamers in a little cup (hint hint)

3. Parking - whether I have my own vehicle or a rental car, please provide a safe place for me to park. I recently was booked at what appeared to be a charming hotel in a small downtown area of a fairly big city in Maine. I was impressed with their web site and looked forward to the stay. I drove my personal vehicle, a 1999 BMW. Yes, 10 years old, but it's in great shape and I recently paid it off. When I drove past the front of the hotel, I noted it was in a row of buildings and the downtown area was not as nice as I'd hoped. I pulled around the back of the building to the "parking" area. I was not impressed. There were cement barriers separating the hotel's lot from the next buildings with the name of the hotel *spray painted* on them. There were no security cameras or any lighting that I could see. And there was NO way I was going to leave my Beemer in that lot. I found another hotel, a Holiday Inn, to stay in instead. And I felt safer.

4. If you offer discounts for AAA or AARP or other program members, please mention it at check-in. I don't always remember to ask for this and thank goodness the Holiday Inn I stayed at reminded me. I whipped out my AAA card and got an extra 15% off my room. These days, I am saving every penny I can and I am sure other people are as well.

5. Make sure the room you give me is not only empty, but cleaned and the beds made. I've had it happen several times to me - I'll be given room keys, go to the room and either the room keys don't work (which turns out to be that someone else already had that same room) or I'll get in and the room hasn't been touched since the last guest. I always check the beds when I get in the room, before I even unpack, and pull the blankets and sheets down. If there is anything questionable - dirt, dead bugs (which has happened to me), obvious stains, etc, then I will go back to the front desk and ask for another room.

6. If you have on-site restaurant/bar, offer your guests 10-20% off their bill for patronizing these. I am more likely to eat/drink at the hotel if I'm given a discount. If I'm not, then I'll find a place nearby that I know will be less money. The more you offer your guests, the more they will spend with YOU.

7. Yes, I know I can ask for something I may have forgotten at home from the front desk, but the minimals that should be in my room are: Soap, hand/body lotion, shampoo and conditioner. I hate the shampoo w/the conditioner already in it. It never condition my hair right. Want to make me really happy? Throw in some Q-tips for my ears!

8. When I book a room, especially at a small inn or B&B, please tell me if I have to share a bathroom with another guest. I don't like sharing and I will ask for a room that has a private bathroom, or quite honestly, I'll look elsewhere for a place that does.

9. Please provide a clock with an alarm on it, at the least (a radio is nice). I've stayed in places where there is nothing and yes, I may have a cell phone and my laptop, but I like to know what time it is in my room.

10. If you have the TV Guest Services checkout in your rooms, make sure they WORK! I can count on one hand the number of times where I could actually checkout in my room without having to go to the front desk to checkout, or picking up the phone. If I have nothing outstanding and a receipt that was slipped under my door, I want to be on my way home or to the airport.

What do you look for when you stay in a hotel, motel, B&B, etc?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Things That Stick In My Craw - Facebook Sucks

What is it with the social networking sites? They start out great, then they "make changes for the better" and we users end up hating the changes. Facebook is on my hitlist right now because of the newest change - "Live Newsfeed."

It sucks.


I do not need to know when any of my "friends" adds a new friend, joins a group or becomes a fan of something. All I want to see is what their status update is, if they post a note or photo so that I can comment on it if I want to and any quizzes they do.

Now my "status updates" newsfeed is filled with a bunch of garbage I could care less about.

So I joined the group, "Switch Back to the Old Newsfeed" at http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?ref=sb#/group.php?gid=155541434951, which has over 300,000 members and counting (please join it!)

I'm sick of the changes Facebook is making.

When Facebook started out, you need a real e-mail address from the school you either went to or worked for to become a member of FB. I loved that exclusivity. Then they decided to compete with Myspace and open it up to every Tom, Dick and Harry worldwide. Did you need a valid e-mail address from a real ISP? Nope. You can use a free e-mail address from Yahoo, Hotmail, Gmail, whatever to get an account. You don't need to verify who you are to get an account, so anyone can pretend to be another person. In fact, I have an alter ego who is a teen that I use to make friends with students at schools I'm going to be speaking at. FB doesn't care that people have bogus accounts with them. That is, of course, until said account is used in an illegal or immoral manner.

School resource officers, recruiters, employers, law enforcement, etc *all* get fake FB accounts to look for trouble online, check out potential students and employees, and even current students and employees to see what they're doing online.

It's just amazing how many people will approve a friend because they're:

1) A cute boy or girl
2) Mutual friends with at least one of their own friends (that really starts the ball rolling - as soon as other friends see "you" are mutual friends with their friends, they'll approve you, no questions asked)
3) In the same network
4) Just because they asked to be your friend

Another thing that sticks in my craw about FB is the inability to quickly report someone for harassing you. It used to be you'd click on "HELP" at the bottom of the page, then you could do a search for "harassment" and get a link to send a complaint in. Now, if the person is currently on your friends list, you have to Remove them as a friend, go back to their profile, then click on Report/Block this Person and fill out a complaint form.

I also would like to be able to pick and choose what updates I see from those on my friends list, especially if they're going to keep this new crapass Newsfeed. Let me choose from the following (and this is a suggestion for FB):

Check off the updates you'd like see from your friends -

__When they update their Status
__When they post a Note
__When they post a new photo
__When they join a group
__When they become a fan of something
__When they make progress in a game they're playing
__When they take a quiz

Can anyone think of anything else to add?

With all the options you can supposedly choose from in your settings, this is the most important that should be there and is NOT!

I'd also like the option to NOT be tagged in a photo without my permission. If someone decides to tag me, I should get a notification to approve/not approve the photo. Some people don't have a lot of photos in their profile for personal reasons and when someone tags them in a photo and that appears in their profile, it ticks them off. Then they come to me to ask how to get that photo removed. Oy.

What is it with FB that you can "like" something, but there is NO "dislike" button? Are they afraid we'll all become an angry mob and turn on FB? Maybe now we all will with the latest lovely changes.

Pick up your pitchforks, folks - let's go get those mad scientists at FB and give them what's what!

We want the old newsfeed back. We want the old Facebook back!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Things that stick in my craw - parking idiots

What is it with people and parking lots? And I'm not just talking people driving cars. Pedestrians, too. But let's start with the drivers first.

You bought a new car and you don't want it to get dinged. . .just yet. If you're going to take up two spaces by parking diagonally, do it at the far end of the parking lot where no one else parks. Or someone will purposely shove a shopping cart into it.

If you see someone waiting patiently for a parking space, be polite and let them have it. Don't be an ass and steal it just because you happened to come the other way and have a better angle to get it. Or someone may purposely shove a shopping cart into your car.

Make sure you park between the two lines that designate the parking space. Don't be an ass and park so close or over one line that I can barely squeeze into my car or have to get in on the passenger side because you're a total numbnut.

I hate people who pull into a space, then drive through to the next. This is bad especially when I'm trying to park in the space you just pulled through to. Now you know why I gave you the finger.

Please be careful opening your door(s). I make sure I don't hit the car next to me. Do the same, please. Don't make me angry.

If I'm coming back to my car and you are busy gabbing away on your cell phone or talking with whoever in your car with your door open so that I can't get into my car, shut the damned door. Let me get in my car.

If the sign reads NO PARKING, then it means NO PARKING. Especially in the Fire Lane in front of the store. Or in the crosswalk. You are NOT special. You're an ass. Drop your passenger off and find a proper parking space.

Look behind you and left to right before pulling out of your space if you're backing up. Don't just put it in drive and step on the gas, you ass.

Now to the pedestrians.

If you see a car backing up (that's what those lights on the back are for), stop and wait. The driver may not see you or they may just be an ass and didn't bother looking to see if you were there. Don't keep walking behind the car so that one or both of you give the finger (or worse)

Don't walk in the middle of the lane where cars drive. This also applies to families who are four, five or more abreast and take over the whole lane. For gods sake, single file, people. Keep to the right or the left. Let the cars have the right of way.

Don't post a spouse, friend or child to stand in an empty spot while you drive around to get to it. Play fair. Or your special person might get run over. Or hit with a shopping cart.

And what is it with these specially marked parking spots for pregnant woman? Do you get a special permit for this? How do you know if the woman getting out of the vehicle is really pregnant? Or maybe she's just chubby? Are you going to ask her? And at what point of the pregnancy are they allowed to park there?

This goes for the spots for mommies with young ones in strollers or carriages. I may just have to put my Cabbage Patch Doll in a carriage so that I can get special parking, too.

You know what? Why aren't there spaces for people who don't qualify for a Handicap sticker/hangar, but who are obviously incapacitated? Such as someone on crutches, walking with a "boot" from a foot operation, limping heavily, walking with a cane, etc. We want equal rights!

Don't just assume a car is going to stop when you come out of the store to go to your car. Stop. Look. Wait. If the car stops to let you go by, please wave a "thank you" to them and go on your way. If they don't stop, wait until the coast is clear, then go.

If you are sick and tired of idiots in parking lots, then this site is for you: http://www.youparklikeanasshole.com/

and this one:

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Things that stick in my craw - Twitter

When Twitter became all the rage, and since my work is in cyber crime, I opened an account. I still don't know why. Because this is what sticks in my craw about Twitter:

1. Too many spammers, porn profiles, etc are allowed to be opened on Twitter. There should be a better way of monitoring that kind of stuff.

2. When you do get one of the above "following" you, there is no way to report the person on the pulldown link next to their profile name. All you get is "Mention," "Send a direct message," "Follow" and "Block." Of course, I block the idiot, but I want to report them as well. Twitter sucks at that.

3. If you find someone is following you, it's great. But if you log into your profile and see your followers numbers have fallen, you can't tell who dropped you. And if you have a lot of followers, that's impossible to figure out. So now you probably are following someone who dropped you. I want to know so that I can drop them for dropping me. Hey, tit for tat, or is that Twit for tat?

4. Speaking of Twits, if you're going to get a Twitter account, learn the lingo. I got this direct message from someone who started following me: "Thank you for following me! I do read all my Twitts and respond to them, let's start a great relationship." Um, it's "Tweets" you moron.

5. I'd like to add the web sites of my volunteer organization, but you're only allowed one web site to post. Pfft.

6. Most of the things people post is drivel. I still don't get Twitter. Unless you're into reading what celebs are doing every minute of the day, what's the purpose?

7. For the people who post all the time on Twitter, don't you people have jobs or something else to do with your life? Geezus.

8. I really don't want to read your Tweet about what came out of your butt this morning. I mean, come on, people. That's gross and I *will* stop following you.

9. Twitter needs to have a verification service for people who opens accounts with them (so do Myspace, Facebook, etc). If I start following Keith Urban, it had better be the real Keith Urban and not some stalker pretending to be him.

10. That said, follow me on Twitter! http://twitter.com/Netcrimes

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Things that stick in my craw - Air Travel

I usually spend a LOT of time in airports and on planes.

These are the things that stick in my craw about air travel. . .

Airlines - get your frelling act together! Either charge everyone for everything or stop charging extra for what used to be free. US Airways, on the first leg of one of my flights, was charging for *everything* including water, coffee, tea, sodas, juice and pillows/blankets. So when I got on the next flight, I made sure I had a pre-purchased soda with me. Come to find out, the rest of my flights on US Airways provided FREE water, coffee, tea, sodas and juice, plus we got pretzels. And a pillow if we wanted one.

If you're going to charge the average Joe $15 for the first bag, then charge everyone. It got confusing when on one airline I had to pay, then the next I didn't.

If you're stupid enough to miss your flight, for crissakes, don't take it out on the gate agent across the way. I experienced seeing a woman (who appeared to have been in the bar, if you get my drift) come across the airport to our gate to begin to berate the gate agent that she missed her flight because no one told her the gate changed. The gate agent patiently told this woman an announcement had been made several times. The woman burst into crocodile tears and asked who was going to tuck her children into bed that night and read to them? Then she said they couldn't miss her red hair. The gate agent patiently told her that they don't know what passengers look like, so they wouldn't have been able to flag her down personally. Then the woman cried out, "Who will be with my babies tonight?" At this point, I called my husband, cracking up, and said next she'd claim she was pregnant and who would explain this to her fetus?
It ended up with three TSA agents and three local cops to take this woman away. The rest of us in the gate area had been hoping the woman would start punching someone, but no such luck.

I really wish people would stop rushing up to the gate door when the flight is announced to be ready for boarding. It's like if they get on first, the flight will take off faster. Good lord, people, move away and let the people get on in the order they should be. If you're in Zone 4 and Zone 1 is boarding, move your fat asses. I hate it when I have to weave around people and they get mad at *me* if I bump into them when they're the ones in the darned way.

Next time I'm asked to change seats with a mom who wants to sit with her two kids, I will make sure my new seat is far, far away from them. I was nice enough to do this on a long flight from San Francisco to New Jersey and the boy was right behind me and proceeded to kick my seat for almost the entire flight. I don't care how sweet you think your child is, if they're rude enough to kick the seat in front of them, reach around the seat to grab that passenger (which this kid did and almost grabbed my breast), pull on the seat, put the tray up and down with force and generally can't behave, then you shouldn't be flying with them.

I say the airlines have flights that are all families/all kids only and let people know when booking about this feature. If I knew I was going to be on a plane with kids, I'd opt for a different flight that was all adult.

That being said, when the flight attendants tell you to NOT use your cell phone in flight, DON'T DO IT. On that same long flight, I had two women in head scarves pull their cell phones out mid-flight and begin texting someone. I shit you not. I was on the window, I had the kid behind me driving me crazy and I knew that if I hit the call button, I'd probably lose it. So I ordered a small bottle of red wine, put my headphones in and listened to Keith Urban, very loudly, until I fell asleep for what little time I could before the kicking ensued again (besides hiding my boobs from that kid's grabby hands).

If you are sick and you can't change your travel plans, please keep a tissue or something over your face while your coughing, sneezing, wheezing and whatever else is coming up. I do not want to catch what you have. Thank god for Airborne. Ever since a friend told me about this years ago, my colds/flu have gone down significantly. I used to get sick *every* time I came home from a trip. Not any more.

If I'm in the middle or window seat and need to use the bathroom, don't get all grumpy on me and make it seem like I'm bothering you. Suck it up and let me pass.

If your bag is too big to fit in the overhead, don't have a conniption fit. You should have gate-checked it or just plain old checked it and paid the frelling $15, you ass. You're holding up the flight when you insist on trying to cram your dirty overstuffed undies in the overhead.

If I have earphones in my ears, that means I don't want to be bothered. Period. I don't care how much of a sweet old lady you are.

If you're airport personnel and you can't get the jetway to connect to the plane the first couple of times, please get us off the frelling plane when it's 1 am in the morning and we're all tired and just want to go home. My last flight ended at Manchester, NH airport where the airport personnel just couldn't get that jetway connected to the plane (it wouldn't budge). A half hour later, some idiot got the bright idea to roll some stairs to us so that we could get off. Geez, you think? All this time, three TSA officers were watching us through the windows, just as confused as we were (the TSA guys are in the terminal to the right of the jetway):

Now for a stumper - can anyone tell what's wrong with this photo? If you get it right, I'll be so darned proud of you:

Things that stick in my craw - Driving

I drive a BMW. It's an older one - 10 years old now, but I take good care of it, so it looks new. Please don't play games with me on the highway because you think your car is better than mine or you think I'm a snob because I own a Beemer. I hate it when other drivers get on my ass. I pull over to let them pass, then they pass me, get in front of me and slow way down, forcing me to pass them in the left lane. And the game continues. I usually end up getting in the far right lane and slowing way down to let these numbnuts get far ahead of me. All right, I admit, I have gotten mad enough to take off in a shot and leave them in a dust. Good thing I have a radar detector, eh?


Don't drive next to me in your little Prius or Mini Cooper or other car that is no match for my Beemer and gun it. I could drive circles around you if I wanted to. But I won't, because I like having a drivers license. Obviously, you do not.


People who pass me on the right on the highway (or on the shoulder on a two lane road). If I'm in the middle lane on a three lane highway and the speed limit is 65 and I'm going between 70-74 and you feel that I'm not going fast enough and there is no one on either side of me, do NOT pass me on the right. It's not only annoying as hell, but it's dangerous, because I may decide to pull over because you're riding my ass. Then you'll be the one in court dealing with my insurance company.


When you stop at a stoplight, please make sure you're in back of the crosswalk or the stop line. That's what they're there for - you to stop at a proper distance. I hate it when people stop halfway in the crosswalk, then are upset because pedestrians dare to give them dirty looks as they walk around the front of the car. Or the idiots who pull halfway into the intersection to stop and give the finger to the drivers who have the green light and right of way. Did you get your license in a Cracker Jack box?


USE YOUR BLINKER! Don't make me slam on my brakes when you decide to take a right or left turn and not use your blinker to let me know, then you get mad at me for blowing my horn at you. Think before you want to take a turn and be courteous to the rest of us on the road who DO care how we drive.


Don't take up two parking places. I don't care how new or fancy-ass your car is. It is NOT that special. If it is to you, then get a beater car you can park like a normal person, you ass.


Don't argue with the parking cops. They don't just give out tickets willy-nilly. If your meter expired, you get a ticket; if you park at a fire hydrant, you get a ticket; if you park where it says NO PARKING, you get a ticket. Suck it up and take it like a big man and pay the damned ticket. Then move your car so that I can take the spot (if it's a legal one, that is).


Don't go below the speed limit. If you do, I will ride your ass like there's no tomorrow. If you can't go the speed limit, get a Segway and stay off the road.


Don't pass me on a two-lane road, then slow way down because you're an asshole. You don't know me, I don't know you, so why do you do stupid things like that? Oh yeah, you're an asshole.


When the red light turns green it means GO


It doesn't take two seconds to say "thank you" to the toll booth operators. You'd be surprised how many are pleasantly surprised that you're being pleasant to them. And to the ones who don't seem to care, believe me, they do. So say "thank you" the next time you have to go through a toll booth.