Monday, July 4, 2011

Things That Stick In My Craw - Tourists Part Deux

It's tourist season again in our lovely small coastal Maine town. Which means the Massholes, New York Nitwits, Connectitits and Canadiasses are back.

I know tourism drives our town, but do you all have to be such asshats?

If I'm running in the morning with my dog, single file, is it really that hard for the two or three of you to go to single file to let us pass? Of course it is! Force us into the road, which is busy with cars so that we almost get hit several times.

If you're in a road race and running alone, don't take up the whole frelling sidewalk and give me dirty looks because I'm NOT in the road race. Share the sidewalk, you moron.

When our local grocery store puts out sawhorses in front where it already clearly has "NO PARKING" in giant letters, it does NOT mean, park in front of those sawhorses and wait for your lazy ass wife while she shops.

The same goes with parking sideways in two handicap spots when you don't even have a handicap sticker/placard. If your child in his karate uniform can't walk to where you can legitimately park, then you need to put a special helmet on his head and put him on the short bus and get a real handicap sticker.

Don't pull out of your parking spot and then start driving on the wrong side, straight at me, then give me the finger. I can't help it if you got your drivers license in a Cracker Jack box.

When I go to my local stores and the employees who know me say hello (and are genuinely happy to see a local they know) or high five me and we wink or giggle, don't give me a dirty look - or them, either. Yes, we love you're here spending your money in our town, but we have this secret "handshake" that we can't wait for you to leave.

Stop throwing your garbage on the side of the road. Is it really that hard to wait until you get back to your hotel/motel or rental and throw it in the trash? I am SICK of picking up your trash in my yard.

If you stop me to ask for directions and I honestly don't know where you're asking about, don't get ticked off at me and claim I'm just not telling you because you're a tourist. Next time I see you, I'll direct you to get on 95 north and tell you to stop when they start speaking French.

If you're polite to me, I will bend over backwards to help you get to where you want to go - I've pulled my iPhone out of my armband to do a search in Maps for people. All I ask is for a sincere "thank you."

My dog is a Siberian Husky. She is NOT a wolf (good lord, people, she's only 35 pounds, wolves are MUCH bigger and illegal to own as a pet). If your child is afraid of dogs, don't wave me off the sidewalk in anger. You should seriously take the kid to a psychiatrist and find out what the problem is. What are they going to do when they get older and encounter dogs? You can't shelter them forever. Besides, my dog in on a leash, in full control of me. I don't want your brat's dirty hands on her, anyway.

If, however, you ask nicely if you and your kids can pet her, I don't mind. She is an edu-dog (she goes to schools with me to talk to students about cyberbullying), so she gets petted by many kids at once. But do ask first!

Well, I'm glad I got that all off my chest. Have a good 4th of July and don't be asshats!